I Can’t w/ Online Dating


So recently I’ve been having these really mundane dreams where I’m meeting different cute guys, they’re not even super sexy it’s just like me flirting or going on dates. Seriously the hottest thing that happened was a full on make-out session. I get these from time to time and have learned this is just my mind and body’s way of saying

Get a boyfriend bitch!

Usually when this happens I start to feel extra single, like there is single and then there is what I am which is basically you’ve been single so long you should probably just consider becoming a nun. Then I remember that no decent convent would except me with my ten million in student loan debt (thanks Obama) and realize I’ve hit rock bottom. So I go on Facebook to seek solace in my fellow single pals and it seems like every friend I have is either married w/ kids, engaged, or in a happy relationship and those that are single seem to be living some Sex and the City dream life… seriously who told those assholes they could be happy?

Then I go on YouTube to seek refuge in some funny vids that I can spend my night chuckling at and what do it get? Couples trips, wedding videos, and more engagement announcements… FUCK YOU PEOPLE! I just wanted to laugh and now I’m in my empty bed having an anxiety attack because I’m positive I’ll never have kids or get married. Which BTW I should mention this is the only time I ever actually want to get married, most of the time the very idea of a wedding makes me retreat in fear. My bride gene is like herpes, it lies dormant until I start to forget it and then randomly comes roaring back just to remind me it’s still there.

After a few hours of feeling sorry for myself I start to make a plan until I realize I don’t actually have any friends to set me up (not that I’d trust their judgement anyway) and meeting guys randomly isn’t going to happen because if it was that easy I already would have. Then it dawns on me, the only viable option is the dreaded online dating. I should say right now I’m not actually against online dating, I think it’s awesome and you can meet some really awesome people through it. I don’t dread it because I think it’s bad, I dread it because I suck at it.

And since I know people hate reading giant blocks of just text I’m going to explain why in gifs.

  1. I’m just not the type of person that comes off well via pics and bios.


I have an odd personality that in person is rather charming and fun, but online when I am actively trying to make myself sound good it never seems to translate as well. I suck at describing myself in a couple of sentences and I’m just awful at conversing with total strangers. I like to have someone in front of me so I can read their body language and get an idea of how to talk to them, online I can’t do that so I just end up being awkward. And I suck at pretending to be different than I am.

2. Talking to strangers I can’t personally look in the eye is creepy to me.


Along with what I said in number one, the very idea of starting a text conversation with someone I’ve never actually seen in the flesh just makes me uncomfortable. There is so much you get from talking to a person thats standing right in front of you that doesn’t translate online. And I know you can meet them in person, but maybe I’ve seen too many episodes of Catfish or one too many serial killer documentaries but the very idea of meeting an online date in person is just a nope for me.

3. I get power hungry when it comes to the swipes.


Even though the very idea of meeting a stranger creeps me out I still try to force myself to get with the times and give online dating a real try. The thing is most of the time there are like a million factors that go into whether I like a guy or not and when dating online I can’t make a decision like I normally would so I’m stuck flipping through an endless barrage of pictures and bios.  It’s so superficial and because of that I tend to get a little judgy. Like a lot of the time all you have is a picture so I find myself sweeping past guys because of stupid stuff.

4. And don’t get me started on the sites where the guys message you…


You rarely get anyone worthwhile because the majority of the ones that message you are either creeps looking for a hookup, have obviously fake pics, are total weirdos, or fall into an age group you thought you specifically blocked out. Seriously I read those messages like…


Cause their profile may say 30, but their picture says 55. Like dude I’m pretty sure you were 30 the year I was born.

5. Then I figure I’ve made it this far might as well message back.


So I find the most normal of the bunch and go what the hell I’ll respond, and the response is almost always manages to veer into inappropriate leaving me sitting there like…


or meeting you, dating you, kissing you, and sure as hell not sleeping with you.

6. Finally defeated I close my computer, delete the apps off of my phone and walk away.


All of this happens in the span of 24 hours and yes I know I’d have more success if I gave it some time and a legitimate try. But it’s like I’ve been saying all along I’m just not built for online dating. Sure in my desperation I might give it a shot, but the fact of the matter is I doubt I’ll ever make it past a day or two because I’m the type of girl that needs to look a guy in the eye and have a conversation before I know if I want to hang out with him. Even my celeb crushes have a vetting process, no kidding I have to see them in something that connects with me before they enter crush county. And maybe that makes me a bad millennial who perhaps needs to get with the times and maybe one day my level of desperation will reach a fever pitch and I’ll give online dating a legitimate try. Until then I’ll just keep trying to meet my men the old fashioned way.



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