Life Lessons from the Sims

Hey,

So like a billion other people I have known about the Sims game for ages and even though I’ve dabbled with FreePlay on my iPhone I never actually went out and bought the full game. That was until two days ago when I noticed the Sims 2 in the app store for only $14.99 with all of the expansion packs included and my brain immediately went ‘treat yo’ self’ while forcing me to buy it. And let me tell you I have played for literally one day and learned more about people then in all my years of life, so here are six life lessons I learned from playing the Sims 2.

Lesson 1: Invitation Only

When I first started playing the game I didn’t know you could lock your doors so I just left them open and allowed everyone to come on in. And in the beginning that was fine, people would most likely hang outside and when they did come in they would hit up the bathroom or sit on the couch and then they’d leave at a respectable time. You know that didn’t last right? Slowly but surely people started coming in eating my food, dirtying up my house, and taking over everything. I finally ended up locking my doors after two dudes got in a fight in my kitchen, an old lady kept taking over my computer and then had the audacity to lay her ass in my bed, and some ignant boy ran through my house peeing everywhere and knocking over my garbage cans. Needless to say locks are mandatory.

Lesson 2: My Journey to Desperation

You know that trope about desperate women who would do anything to trap a man, yeah maybe we should have a little more sympathy for those poor women. I started this game totally chill just hanging out meeting people, no pressure, then at some point I figured out what the aspiration bar was. For those of you that don’t play the aspiration section lays out goals and fears for your Sim and the more goals you complete the more points you get… it’s kind of like a virtual replacement for your family and society at large. Anyway so I notice that most of my aspirations are about going on dates and I figure I better start dating so I can get some points.

I started out casual enough just looking for guys I clicked with, but my first few dates were disasters so I switched my strategy and set up my dates according to what the meter and the guy wanted. I was still pretty casual until I realized I was on a clock and the age meter showed me I only had 20 days until I was elderly. So I sped things up and found a guy who wasnt the bottom of the barrel, took him on a few amazing dates, moved him in, and got him to propose. I didn’t have time to waste here people.

And if you are thinking that doesn’t sound that desperate, I’m not done. After Gilbert proposed I noticed getting engaged to me was negative for him, it turned out the a-hole was cool with moving in, but not with anything more serious and if that wasnt bad enough when I looked down I saw there was a picture of me with wedding rings in his fears. I should have broken-up with him and sent him packing, but instead I opted to get pregnant and lock that unemployed middle of the road loser down. Dont judge me, I did not have time to start that whole dating process again. I ain’t sorry!

Lesson 3: Poor Men

I started playing as the male character Gilbert and though I may never truly know what it is like to be a man if Gilbert is any indication all I can say is you poor poor things. Gilbert WooHoo’d with my Sim Claire and after one would think he would be content and maybe want to build a life with Claire…NOPE! After his aspirations pretty much exclusively centered on WooHoo and getting more chicks with things like have 3 women be in love with him at once, WooHoo with 3 people, and my favorite public WooHoo. And to make matters worse since this is his main goal it’s like the women sense it and lose interest rapidly.

Lesson 4: Cheating Ain’t Easy

Listen up cheating scumbags because this is the first last and only time I will ever compliment you: I tip my hat to you and your dedication to your goal because cheating requires a level of thought and finesse most are incapable of handling. My Sim has a fiance and kid, works (I made him get a job), and now has to spend all of his spare time taking random chicks out on dates, most of which suck. And when he does meet one  woman who likes him she starts doing random walk-bys leaving flowers and shit at the door. Then he can’t go to her house to WooHoo and he can’t get the public option so now he has try to bring her to his house which his fiance never seems to leave.

He brings her over and I try to keep them apart by making his wife go to sleep, but this is the one time in ages she isn’t tired. Then the second his wife sees something suspicious she backhands him and then the side chick gets mad because she wants to pretend she didn’t know he was married… Really? You met his wife! So now his wife and side chick won’t WooHoo because they’re mad and every chick he calls to take on a date says they’re “busy”, this is way too much work.

Lesson 5: Moms Get Shafted

Claire gets it worse because she now has to take care of a kid pretty much by herself because between Gilbert’s irrational fear of changing diapers and his constant need to leave the house to go on dates with randoms he’s never around. The first time I played I got so wrapped up in Gilbert’s cheating Claire didn’t take care of the house, herself, or the baby and ended up with a roach infested house, a strange illness, and social services taking her kid away (lucky for me the game didn’t save this so I was able to start over). Then she has a job that only gave three days maternity leave and three sick days, no babysitter, and a house that stays dirty even with a maid coming everyday. And if all that wasn’t bad enough she has a fiance that brings women to their home and she ends up getting in fights with them. In retrospect I guess this is why using desperation to pick a mate isn’t the best plan.

Lesson 6: Whiny Bitches

And with all the stuff going on in the Warren household my Sims still get three calls a day from friends and neighbors telling them how horrible they are for not calling or inviting them over…Seriously? They are dealing with their own shit, they don’t have time to call you and talk about the weather. If you want to see them so bad come over and talk to them while you help them clean or call and offer to babysit!

Ugh fucking people!

And that’s it guys, the six things I learned from playing the Sims. I know this was a weird post, but I really wanted to talk about the Sims. Do you play and if you do what crazy drama do you stir up for your Sims?

Later!

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