Today was like wedding movie day for me seeing as I watched Runaway Bride and Bride Wars back to back. It got me to thinking about my friends and their impending nuptials and also my reaction to them. I have had several friends over the years tell me that they were getting engaged and every single time I hear it I have the same fake happy/excited reaction followed by a forced “Congratulations”. I started thinking why do I do this…is it because I secretly wish it was me? Not really, it may be the most obvious answer, but I actually don’t wish to be married. It’s not until my friends tell me (and most of them have) that the weddings are off that I get a genuine excited reaction. Why?
I think it in part has to do with the fact that I just don’t want to be left alone. It’s bad enough that I am the chronically single girl, but to throw on top of it that I’m the unmarried one…..well that’s just too much to bear. I also think the biggest thing is I am just anti-marriage. I have never been one of those girls that dream about her wedding day and the sight of a bridal magazine makes me want to puke. Why? Well I just don’t know. Every time I even fantasize about marrying a guy I automatically start thinking of ways out of it. I am not even kidding I seriously envision a wedding and having a husband and then almost immediately start thinking about a divorce, cheating, or erasing the entire thing from existence. How sad is that? I feel so defective because of it. They tell us that women are supposed to dream about their wedding day and look forward to married life and all I can do is run from it.
Maybe I feel like this because I never grew up in a family where marriage was an issue. My mom is a single mother and my grandparents were almost never together, not to mention 80% of my outside family was unmarried. I was a flower girl in my cousins wedding and I used to stay over at their house quite a bit. I remember really liking the guy my cousin married and thinking how great it was that he was now my new cousin, then of course they got divorced. My new awesome family member (that I admit I liked much more than the old one) was now gone never to be seen again. I think I learned something from that and it was there are certain people in your life that you are stuck with (family) and all of the others can come and go. Marriage seemed like this stupid agreement people made when they were lying to each other and when they realized the truth they got the hell out of it. SMART PEOPLE!
I can remember from a very early age thinking the party and presents were fun, but the rest of it was a total joke. Don’t get me wrong I can see why people do it and I think its sweet that people make it work, but at some point aren’t you just sticking around because it makes more sense then leaving. I have a hard time believeing that people want to be with the same person forever because in saying that you are predicting the impossible. You are saying that no one you meet for the rest of your life will ever be as amazing and perfect as the person you are with. Really? Cause I have a hard time believing that anyone would think that is true and why do people even pretend that it is? So many people get divorced these days because they have attempted to buy into this lie and it backfires. So why do it? I believe in kids and family and I believe in love, just not in forever. Things change, people change, and so do the circumstances that brought you together,
It is for that reason that I believe women are split into two groups: the ones that want to pretend and dream of meeting that perfect person (I call the Charlottes) and the ones that believe in finding love not perfect forever love, just love (I call them Carries). The forever girls plan their perfect weddings and their perfect lives with the belief that it will last and I love that about them. I wish I was like that, but I’m not. I don’t cry at weddings because I am in the back taking bets on how long it will last and I don’t dream of meeting the one perfect man because I honestly don’t believe he is out there (or if he is I doubt I’ll find him). I wish I did believe and I hope one day I do, but right now I am content being the cynical girl.